Insecurity – A leadership killer

The best way to destroyer of a leader’s effectiveness isn’t lack of skill or knowledge it is insecurity.

Insecurity takes on many forms. My belief is that we are all insecure in some area, at various times, and in various settings. A normally confident, secure person moves into a new role, the symptoms of insecurity raise their head.

John was gifted, he was liked, and he had been successfully leading over the last 4 years. Everyone agreed that he was the right person to lead the organisation to continue to grow, like it had since he had arrived.

However bit-by-bit it got harder to work with John. Those around him noticed some things that worried, annoyed, and even offended them. At first they put it down to environmental factors – working too hard, too many things on the to do’ list, co-workers who had let him down etc.

It became that John didn’t give others much praise. Only after sometime did people start to get a bit sick that no matter how much or little he knew about a topic, he would not listen to others advice. The other thing that really annoyed those who worked with John was that he was constantly talking himself up and others down.

The killer was when he made mistakes or failed to do something he promised. There was always a reason that meant he wasn’t responsible, including blaming others.

This fictitious person, unfortunately, is all too familiar to many of us. What we see in John, in others and ourselves in the effect of insecurity.

Secure’ in the dictionary is – “untroubled by danger or fear, impregnable, certain not to fail or give way or get lost”.

If we accept that at some level we are all insecure then we need to learn how to manage our insecurities and watch that they don’t affect our leadership role.

The first step is to identify the symptoms’ of insecurity.

I see that insecurity expresses itself in leaders in 5 ways….

1. SELF-DOUBT which blocks AFFIRMATION

Self-doubt blocks both the giving and receiving of affirmation.

Insecurity questions our human potential. If we doubt then we won’t shine. If we can’t affirm ourselves, then we will block affirmation when it is given, or not notice it at all. Sometimes we block affirmation so much, and crave it so much that we grasp at it. We ask everyone, all the time, “Did I do a good job?”.

Many times I have given someone a genuine, heartfelt compliment about a job they have done only for them to fob me off. It can look like humility, but if someone can’t simply say, “Thanks”, it is insecurity raising its head. What it provokes is the imposter syndrome. They see just their faults and can’t accept that they are good at something or done good at something.

If you are insecure it colours and restricts being able accept affirmation.

This is insecurity. Even if someone stood in front of some of you and said, “You are fantastic, in this area you are so awesome, better than I could ever be.” You’d still say in response, “No I’m not, what do you want? What do you really think?” Insecurity blocks affirmation. It stops people from serving…no one thanks me, no one values me, no one notices me. That is self-doubt running around inside of you, which will poison your ability to lead.

If you can’t hear affirmation then nothing will be good enough.

2. DEFENSIVENESS which blocks TEACHABILITY

No matter how much talent and gifting we have, if we are, or become, unteachable, we will never reach anywhere near our full potential in our careers, our callings, or our relationships.

You don’t know the level of your maturity and security until someone challenges you about something they think you need to change. If you respond positively, being teachable, then you are on the road to maturity. If you react defensively, “who do you think you are, are you telling me I’m no good, I always knew you never liked me.” If you start justifying instead of contemplating then your insecurity is raising it’s head.

So what does unteachability look like?

• Don’t take notes, read books, or learn anything unless it’s the bare minimum or what’s essential for exam purposes.
• Don’t ask questions or attempt anything that might reveal your ignorance or risk you looking stupid.
• Don’t accept responsibility for your failures but blame anyone and everyone else.
• Don’t seek or accept one-to-one personal guidance or mentoring from others.
• Don’t listen, but talk, talk, talk about yourself, especially when you’re with someone you could learn a lot from.
• Don’t take criticism or correction without resentment or retaliation.

In contrast, teachability means:

• You’re aware of the limitations of your own knowledge and abilities.
• You admit limitation, inability, and ignorance to others who can teach and help.
• You regularly ask for help, instruction, guidance, and advice (before the event, not after disaster strikes).
• You learn from anyone and everyone you can
• You listen to others carefully and patiently with a desire to learn from everyone.
• You’re prepared to move out of your comfort zone, try something different, make mistakes, look stupid, answer wrongly, etc.
• You don’t give up when you fail at something, but seek help, and try again and again until you get it right.
• You’re willing to change your views and practices when convincing evidence is presented to you, even if it means admitting you were wrong.

3. SAFETY which blocks RISK

We all have inner critic that undermines us and limits our capacity to pursue and accomplish the things we want in life. Whenever we face challenges or go after a dream, this inner critic is there to hold us back and scare us with possibilities of failure. It encourages us to be self-protective and not put ourselves out there or take chances. We choose safety.

Our insecurity raises its head because we have equated failure’ (I will dissect this concept another blog) to mean something about our innate worth.

So we think and think, procrastinate, time and again. Sure, it is good to think a situation through before you make a major decision, but too much thinking prevents you from actually doing anything. And if you never act on anything, you’ll never get ahead. To move beyond safety we need to stop over-analysing every single little thing, don’t talk yourself out of making decisions and instead, just act!

What we are waiting for is that there is no fear. You wait until there is no doubt you will succeed.

Confidence is not a feeling it is a decision. People say to themselves “I will try that, do that, when I feel more confident”. You probably will not feel more confident this side of trying.

When insecurity is dominant then leaders are risk adverse because they fear criticism and failure.

4. COMPARING which blocks CELEBRATION

Insecurity finds itself constantly comparing. Comparing myself to others always causes doubt, and will block my willingness to celebrate who I am and who others are.

Insecurity constructs a thing called tall poppy syndrome, which in Australia is famous. The tall poppies’ are the achievers and because of our insecurity we have to bring them down, find some fault.

You should never compare yourself to anybody else because you’re unique.

Most people start off in life as originals and end up as carbon copies and poor carbon copies at that!

Two reasons not to compare yourself with others:

• One, you’ll always find somebody who’s doing a better job than you and you get discouraged. A tip that insecurity is present is when someone (maybe you) don’t like it when someone who is smarter or more talented is around. Insecure leaders can’t hire people better’ than they are.
• And, two, you’ll always find somebody you’re doing a better job than and you get filled with pride.

We can spend our lives wanting to be someone else, but this blocks our ability to celebrate our uniqueness.

Insecurity always exists under the shadow of someone else; a big brother, father, teacher, co-worker, or friend.

The best antidote is gratitude. Being thankful for what we do have, we can do and where we have already succeeded’.

If I compare myself to other men I see that the majority of them have a hair on their heads. I can start to feel inferior, ugly or whatever. There is never any upside to comparasion. I could be grateful that I have a healthy body, or hats to put on my head, or that I haven’t had to pay for a haircut for 20 years.

5. CONTROL WHICH BLOCKS FREEDOM

Control can show up in many forms. We can choose to become very controlling making sure that all the I’s are dotted and T’s crossed to reduce our sense of insecurity. Controlling is a symptom of insecurity – trying to force things and people around to comply to a set of needs or wants.

When you meet someone who is free from insecurity they lift you up, why, because they aren’t consumed with lifting themselves up, they can concentrate on others. They don’t need to control you, they are free to let you be yourself and express yourself.

On the other hand a lot of insecure people give off the stench of cynicism, they act so knowledgeable and assured. Cynicism is verbalizing criticism, which is designed to pull others down and lift them up.

NOW WHAT?

As a leader it is our responsibility to reign in and manage our insecurities. Below are some beginning thoughts. In the coming blogs I want to delve into this topic some more.

1. Understand you’re in good company

I find most clients with some level of feelings of insecurity or feeling like imposter. They are relieved to learn they’re not alone. It immediately puts their own “imposter” conception in doubt, as it shows they are in the company of extraordinary leaders and successful people everywhere.

I remember many years ago looking at great leaders and hearing them talk about their self-doubts and fears and being surprised. I had wrongly thought that accomplished executives and leaders didn’t have any of the doubts or fears I had.

2. Tackle — rather than attempt to hide — what you don’t know

If you are reluctant to avail yourself of help, support, or learning, understand that it may be a result of an attempt to “fake it.” It’s important to remember in those situations, as John F. Kennedy said, “Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other.” Make a list of things you need to learn or understand better, prioritize it, and tackle the items in order, by studying, asking colleagues for help, getting coaching, etc. I’ve had my senior executive clients do this, and it’s worked like a charm.

3. Feelings of insecurity can’t survive strong self-awareness

Start catching yourself when the direct feeling of being an imposter, or fear of “being found out” comes up, and take a mental pause. Recognize that it’s a distortion of the situation and dismiss it. As you build your mental muscles to catch and correct it in the moment, it will lose its destructive power. Over time, and with this practice, it becomes a thing of the past.

Know which of the symptoms of insecurity you are most prone too. I know my symptoms are: not asking and exaggerating. When I notice myself doing these things I start to ask myself what I am feeling insecure about and what I need to do to not block me from being a great leader.

Feelings of insecurity are very common among even the best leaders, and are actually signs of diligence. So unlike other developmental issues that may linger for an entire career, insecurities are resolved by turning that diligence toward the practices I’ve described above. The good news is that once you’ve mastered it, you can keep an eye out for it in others, and help them along too. That indeed is leadership in its best sense — helping yourself and others to learn.