IS THERE AN EPIDEMIC OF WOMEN LEADERS WITH LOW CONFIDENCE?

There is a curious dynamic I notice throughout my work – coaching, training and consulting – women who are immensely capable, yet many have deep doubts about their capacity.

It is always dangerous for a man to talk about issues that affect women. If you, the reader, can appreciate that I make the comments and observations below because I believe so much in the capacity of women and not in some paternalist, patronising superiority complex.

Over the last 5 years as the evidence has built I would ask the women leaders I was interacting with whether my observations about lack of confidence’, doubting their abilities’, holding themselves back’ was a projection or their experience. Overwhelmingly they would talk to me about constant doubts, comparing themselves, and second-guessing. The example I use is of a man and women looking at the criteria for a new job. The women will look over the criteria see that there are 2 dots points where they might not quite have the expertise or experience and therefore disqualify themselves from applying. Men on the other hand will read through the criteria and only match 5 of about 10 and think, why not apply, I pretty much match what they want. In fact, Hewlett-Packard discovered this truth several years ago, when it was trying to figure out how to get more women into top management positions. A review of personnel records found that women working at HP applied for a promotion only when they believed they met 100 percent of the qualifications listed for the job. Men were happy to apply when they thought they could meet 60 percent of the job requirements. At HP, and in study after study, the data confirm what we instinctively know. Underqualified and underprepared men don’t think twice about leaning in. Over-qualified and over-prepared, too many women still hold back. Women feel confident only when they are perfect, or practically perfect.

I thought maybe I was getting a skewed sample of leaders. However I have come across a few studies over the last 12 months that have confirmed my observations.

THE GOOD NEWS FOR WOMEN LEADERS

Zenger Folkman, a leadership development and corporate training company, has compelling research showing women are more effective than men on 12 of 16 competencies used to measure leadership. Men excelled in only two. (The others were even.) “Many assume that it would be in the area of collaboration, teamwork, building relationships, and developing people. The data says that is correct, but the biggest differences are that women display more initiative, follow-through, and are more focused on producing good results,” said Jack Zenger, CEO and cofounder of Zenger Folkman.

THE CONCERNING NEWS FOR WOMEN LEADERS

In 2011, the Institute of Leadership and Management, in the United Kingdom, surveyed British managers about how confident they feel in their professions. Half the female respondents reported self-doubt about their job performance and careers, compared with fewer than a third of male respondents.

In a survey conducted for her new book, Helene Lerner, founder of WomenWorking.com, a career website for women, discovered that many women wait until they feel 100 percent confident in themselves before making a career move, such as asking for a raise or taking a new position. However, waiting for this moment of “capital-C Confidence” usually means that the window of opportunity passes women by,

Lynne Doughtie, of Lerner conducted a survey with more than 3,000 women, aged 18 to 64, about how the aspiration and ambition to lead is nurtured. The findings were woefully similar to another study conducted by Bain: “Women want leadership roles, but something is holding them back”.

“Six in 10 of the professional working women who responded indicated they aspire to be a senior leader of a company or organization, and more than half aspire to serve on a board. Yet they also reported hesitancy: More than half of the women agree that, as women,’ they are more cautious in taking steps toward leadership roles, and six in 10 find it hard to see themselves as a leader,” the survey results revealed.

WHAT IS GOING ON? WHERE DOES THIS COME FROM?

It would be simplistic to say there is one source. However it is interesting that the authors of the KPMG study reveals that there are some fundamental leadership lessons that women learn growing up. Unsurprisingly, 86% report they were taught to be nice’ to others, but only 34% were encouraged to share their point of view.

“I wish I had learned that it’s okay to be nice to people and be a leader,” one of the KPMG survey respondents wrote. “Maybe it would have been great to learn how to be nice and how to be a leader at the same time.”

HOW TO BUILD LEADERSHIP CONFIDENCE

(particularly the issues that seem to be affecting women)
Lerner’s survey respondents identified five confidence destroyers at work. Whilst we are talking about women today primarily, no doubt there are many men who find these dynamics affect their confidence as a leader.

1. YOUR BEST IS GOOD ENOUGH

Women often pressure themselves to reach imaginary, impossible standards of perfection, and become discouraged when they inevitably fail to achieve them. This perfectionistic tendency seems to stop women from having a go and pushing through fear.

“We have to stop the negative chatter and tell ourselves, ‘Our best is good enough,'” Lerner said. “Make it an inner mantra.”

Yesterday I was coaching with both women and men. Interestingly, both had negative self-talk around imaginary standards that others had for them. This Strawman/women’ is impossible to compete against.

Some action step clues:
Make these comparisons and standards more visible and ridiculous. Ask yourself often:

• What standards am I trying to live up to at the moment?
• Am I trying to be perfect?
• Am I expecting more of myself than I would of someone else?

2. MICROMANAGEMENT IS A REFLECTION ON YOUR BOSS NOT YOUR CAPACITY

Being micromanaged can make a person feel like his or her work isn’t good enough. Why else would the boss be nitpicking and telling you exactly how to complete a task? But in most cases, you probably aren’t doing anything wrong. I am astounded about how many leaders get caught up in the leadership style of being autocratic and overly specific about HOW (this is a topic for a coming blog post). It becomes clear that often the motivation for when we move into micromanaging behaviour is when we feel under threat, don’t feel like we are measuring up or adding value to those below us. Our own insecurities are being projected onto others.

Women seem to be more sensitive about wanting to please’ their bosses. When their boss is micromanaging, rather than realise that is tells you more about their skills (or lack of) or personal insecurities, women seem to internalise it and make it their fault’.

I would be keen to hear from women to see if I am accurately describing this dynamic or not.

Some action step clues:

When a boss starts to micromanage’, checking up all the time or telling you how to do tasks try saying to them:

• “I am sure your motivation is good in how you are managing me. I am finding that you are ________, I wonder what you are most worried about when you are doing those things? (Let them answer).
• When you do those things, the way it makes me feel/think is ___________
• How can we allay your fears and meet my needs for more autonomy?

3. BACK YOUR SKILLS, EVEN IF IT MEANS LEAVING

When your skills are not being recognised or utilised you feel invisible. What saps our confidence, especially if we already have doubts about our abilities is when the skills and abilities are not being used. One of the most common reasons for feeling disconnected from your job — and therefore, lacking confidence in it — is doing work that doesn’t leverage your skills. Everyone has talents and abilities, and if your job is not using them, you may want to start investigating other opportunities.

To leave a job, or to voice your desire to move into a role that better uses your skills is a big call. This is all about backing your abilities. The reality is if we are working in a role which isn’t the best fit for our skills and abilities we will do a mediocre job. We owe it, not only to ourselves, but also to our organisations to be strive for roles that best suit us.

Some action step clues:

• Make a list of the things you think you are most skilled at?
• Ask some people around you to list what they think your greatest skills are.
• Look for commonalities and make one list of what you and others agree are your strongest skills.
• Look at what you are currently doing and see how many things match your list
• If less than 80% of the time you are working within your skill areas it is time to change your role description or look for a new job.

4. FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY

Everyone wants to “get it right” in their careers, but you shouldn’t let the fear of getting it wrong stand in your way of trying something new. A project may not turn out as planned and you may make mistakes, but as long as you learn from these experiences, you haven’t truly failed.

Many have in the mind that there is right and a wrong decision e.g. which career should I choose? What if we stop thinking about right and wrong, good and bad but thought in terms of learning. Regardless of what you choose you will learn something. This reduces the pressure to get it right’. It allows us to have a crack.

“Some of the greatest ‘failures’ have led to innovation,” Lerner said. “Our research reflected this —women said that they got more confidence from learning from their mistakes and moving on.”

The reason that we can confidence when we make mistakes’ and move on is that we realise that we have the capacity to deal with whatever comes our way.

Some action step clues:

• Make a list of 3 things you are procrastinating about at the moment
• How are you thinking about these things – right/wrong, good/bad?
• If you are, shift your focus and ask,
• “What opportunity best aligns with my values?”
• “What opportunity will allow me to the learn the most?”
• What will cause me to be the proudest of myself if I did it?”

You know what to do now – take action

5. BE ASSERTIVE, DON’T LET POOR BEHAVIOUR GO

Working with rude, arrogant or otherwise unpleasant individuals can really lower your job satisfaction, especially if their negativity is directed at you.

The key is to learn not to take it too personally: easy to say, more challenging to do. We personalise things when we take the blame for other people’s behaviour. We personalise things when we think that other people’s actions and decision reflect on our worth as a person.

Clean up your side of the street, “Is there anything you are doing to contribute to the [negative] situation? If so, take appropriate action.”

The other part is to make the effort to work things out with our colleague. This is where we take the action to have difficult conversations and value our own needs and opinions. Being a peacemaker at any cost is never productive in the end.

Some action step clues:

• Learn some more assertiveness skills, including having tough conversations.
• Self-reflect on how you might be contributing to the negative situation.
• Don’t run away from the situation until you have tried at least 2 different interventions.

This is my list of building confidence- I wonder what yours is? I am also curious about whether the lived experience of women is close to what I have outlined.

Love to hear your feedback.